@MComicman

Well, here I am again.

I was hoping not to do this, but I once again find myself stuck in a rut. I feel selfish for typing this out since I know what I could be doing instead. I'm not even really sure what I'm hoping to get out of making another update. Vindication? Reassurance? I don't know. Whatever it is or ends up being, I'm not sure. I really didn't want to keep making updates; especially ones of this length. I apologize for that. If you'll bear with me once again, here's my update.

I'll start with what's been going on since last time. Or rather, as much as I can explain without personal details. I made mention previously of something happening that didn't do any good for my mental health. I am thankful to say that it cleared up, mostly. After that, I began trying to copy pages again. I only succeeded in halfway copying a single page of Dragon Ball (I began reading the manga for the first time after the unfortunate passing of Akira Toriyama). Following that, drawing mostly took a backseat while I focused on other responsibilities.

This went on from May through June. However, something happened towards the end of June. Something incredible happened that finally made things turn around for me. I can't say what it is, since it's more of a personal thing. I'll just say that it's something that I had been hoping to accomplish for more than half a year now, and it finally paid off. Along with this, came another opportunity to do something that I had been considering doing for a while now: taking art classes. I was unsure of it, but I realized now that things were getting somewhere, this may be the time to do it.

I figured it may be a good idea to take a class to improve my foundational skills before I jump into one that focuses solely on cartooning. After all, much of those foundations may often be integral to comic art. Plus, it could give me the confidence to work on my own stuff in addition. To be cautious, I did get in contact with the instructor of this class beforehand to ask about it, explain my intentions, and even send a few art samples to verify if my skills were at a good enough level to start taking it. They got back to me and said that my work was strong and that if I wanted to take their class, it wouldn't be an issue. So, I signed up, got the supplies I needed, and was ready to attend. So far, things seem to have been going great.

Then the first day happened. I won't mince words. I damn near had an anxiety attack.

I felt completely of my depth. Now, it's not like I don't know any of the fundamentals of drawing, or that I'm a complete novice. Even if it wasn't as much as others, I HAVE spent time practicing. I HAVE worked on some things, and this is a class designed to improve upon some of the skills that I lack. Even if I hadn't been practicing recently, I still knew what those skills entailed, and how to execute a competent drawing in a relatively decent manner.

Right?

Therein lies the problem. It was here when I finally realized how much of my lack of practice screwed me over. While everyone else understood the first thing we needed to do, I misunderstood. I messed up on the very first thing I needed to do. Suddenly, this wave of intense pressure came over me, and not only was not confident in what I was doing, I was flat out telling myself that I couldn't do it. It didn't help that whenever I looked at what another person was drawing, it looked significantly better than what I felt I was capable of. These people had practiced. I hadn't. Even after knowing what the assignment was, the intensity of my thoughts grew more and more. I would sketch it out, then erase it. Sketch it again, erase again. Again, and again, and again, and again. By the end of the class, I had nothing. My instructor was sympathetic, explaining that they had days like that as well when starting. That it was nothing to be ashamed of.

Let me tell you, I felt pretty damn ashamed.

Despite reassurances, I felt completely dejected. When I got home, I began to consider what to do. I felt like quitting the idea was the worst idea since 1) it was only the first day, 2) those supplies I got along with the class itself would've been a waste of money (and none of this was cheap), and 3) what was going to stop me from doing such a thing if I took a different class? In the end, I decided to continue, despite how I was feeling. I felt that perhaps this really did come down to me overthinking things and trying too hard to be perfect at a new skill that I hadn't practiced. Plus, there was the fact that I simply hadn't practiced as well. As much as I needed to focus on other things that were of equal or more importance, the fact is that by not practicing my art at all, I doomed myself from the start. So, I decided to do just that. I practiced what it was we were doing in class, if only just a little bit. Even if it was just that little bit, I knew it would help.

I went in the next day with a better mindset and with slightly more optimism. I did better. Not perfect, but I at least got stuff on paper. I even got feedback on the practice pages I did at home. There are some things I need to work on, but that's to be expected. I still had some of those same thoughts, but they weren't nearly as bad as the day before. When I got home, I continued to practice. The next day, I continued to practice for a good portion of the day. The day after that (yesterday), I had a late start after a couple of errands, but I was able to practice. I even got pretty far into it; filling up a good chunk of pages. Then there's today.

...Nothing.

I don't know what happened. I didn't have errands, no other plans, no sudden occurences, nothing. The only plan I made was to sit down and practice. Sitting down in itself took a little while since I didn't start immediately when I wanted to. But, I was able to sit with my supplies out and everything, ready to begin.

...Then, I just...didn't.

Sure, I started the day on my laptop, but that's how I began the other couple of days, and that didn't stop me then. Except, today, I found myself continuing to sit on the laptop, even when I had everything out. Some of you may be thinking "Why did you have your laptop out in the first place?" When I practiced at home, I used photo references from a site called Line of Action, which is a popular site for helping artists develop skills in anatomy and gesture drawing. I needed to have my laptop out to use this site. I had no problem doing this the previous two days. Today, I didn't go on it. I didn't practice. I still haven't practiced today. More than half the day is gone, and the only thing I have to show for it is what you're reading (assuming you've stuck around).

I genuinely can't explain this. It wasn't a feeling of perfectionism, or lack of confidence, or anxiety. Distraction, maybe? That still didn't stop me the other couple of days, though. It wasn't any sort of feeling. I just didn't do it. I think that's the part that's getting to me. I've noticed a pattern in how I draw/practice. I'll do it for a couple to a few days, then suddenly stop. Usually, I would blame it on my pessimistic thoughts, lethargy, or hell, even my other responsibilities. Even that last one feels like an excuse now. Today, I had no such reason. I just didn't do it.

If there's anything I can blame, it's myself.

I spent all of this time not drawing, not writing, not making comics. Now that I finally have something to help me out, a goal to achieve, and someone to help me out, I find myself repeating the same old habits as usual. Who's to say this won't continue? Who's to say I won't keep doing this? I'm not making excuses for myself anymore. I have the opportunity. I have the time. I have the tools. Literally, nothing is getting in my way except me. I'm doing this to myself.

To any of you who have stuck around, I commend you. I once again apologize for what is essentially an essay-length diatribe. Honestly, I don't know how anyone will respond to this. I'm only making this post because I once again find myself in a position where I feel like I have to let my feelings out there. Perhaps some of you can relate. Maybe some of you DO think I'm being selfish, or that I'm trying to avoid something that I obviously should be doing. There may even be a few of you angry that I'm complaining about this while you are actually putting up with the work you're supposed to be doing.

To anyone who feeling the latter, I am sorry.

I hope I can do better.

Hi everyone. I wasn't sure if I should post an update, but I'd feel guilty and slightly burdened if I didn't speak of it.

The last time I posted here, I came up with a plan based on the advice I was given along with a suggestion from a friend. I knew it would take me a while to fully get into things, as I already had stuff going on, hence why I wanted to get back into things quickly. I managed to draw one page with the time I had over a couple of days. It wasn't super detailed or compelling. Hell, I didn't think it was that good even after I finished it; but, I DID finish it, and I figured that should count for something.

I planned to continue drawing single-page comics or strips from a list of prompts someone showed me as well as for a contest, then maybe try to adapt some short stories into slightly longer strips later on. However, right as I was going to work on my next page, I got sick. Nothing serious; just a cold. I got better after a few days, but I wasn't able to do anything at that time. Unfortunately, this also included my other obligations. I had something very important coming up that I needed to get done, so that took priority after my recovery.

I wish I could say afterward I got back into things, but that would be a lie. Truthfully, I haven't drawn anything since that one page, even with the time I do have. Then, well, something happened this week that made my mental health take a nose dive. I can't explain what it was, obviously, but it's not something I'm happy about. Not horrible, just dispiriting.

Quite honestly, I don't want to use this thread for this sort of thing. However, I felt I should at least give an update to those wondering how/if I was progressing. Truthfully, I'm not good at sticking to the plans I come up with. Something else for me to work on. Right now, I'm at an impasse. I need to focus on my other priorities at the moment, sort out this new thing I gotta deal with if I can, and then figure things out from there. I don't know how long that will take, sadly. I'll do my best to work through it. My apologies.

Thanks for your understanding.

Thank you all for the advice and encouragement. Since making this post a couple of weeks ago, I've had an idea or two on how to proceed, but your suggestions are worth much consideration. Admittedly, things on my end are going to be a bit busy for a while, but I'll try to draw as much as I can with the time I have. I greatly appreciate the time you took to respond, so thank you very much.

I apologize immensely for the length, but I hope you bear with me as I lay out my feelings

For the past few years, I've had this idea for a comic that I really wanted to do. At the time, I knew I wanted to be a comic artist, but being as young and inexperienced as I was, I couldn't stick to a story I wanted to tell. It wasn't until one day in late 2019 when an idea came to my head for a story; only this time, it actually stuck. Looking back, my initial idea was rather simple and juvenile, but the more I developed it over time, the more intricate and compelling I felt it was becoming. However, while I was slowly developing my story into (what I think is) something great, therein lies the problem. I spent a lot of time developing it, but not actually making it. The reason for it: because I felt I wasn't good enough yet to make it.

Over these last few years, I've come to learn a lot about comics, how they're made, what people like about them, what people don't, what works, what doesn't, etc. I learned about webcomic hosting sites around this time, which left me rather ecstatic since I wasn't sure how I was going to get my story out there. However, even though I was learning about all this stuff, I wasn't making the comic. I felt I wasn't ready yet. Instead, I spent my time attempting to improve my drawing skills. This may not have sounded like a bad idea on paper (no pun intended), especially since my skills did slowly begin to develop. Although, I felt as if my art wasn't good enough. I kept forcing myself to try to learn about all of these different concepts in art and try to get better and improve, but I saw little to no improvement. The only thing I got out of it, which also contributed to the seeming lack of development, was long stretches of burnout.

During these stretches of burnout, I continued to fine-tune the concept in my head and realized that my writing skills were pretty bad too. As I learned more about the types of things people liked and didn't like about comics, as well as getting various perspectives and advice from interviews or commentaries, I started to feel like I needed to put in additional work in my story as well as my art if I were to go toe-to-toe with others striving for the same thing I was. However, ultimately, my initial idea, while growing, isn't fully there yet. I started fearing the types of things that would happen if I couldn't do this story justice, but instead of working on it, and documenting all of my ideas

I also began expressing concerns as a self-publisher. While I read/heard stories of people succeeding in securing high readership, praise, and even publishing deals, I was also hearing stories of people failing, falling under obscurity, falling under scrutiny, or just being straight-up ignored. As someone as inexperienced as I am, I felt an additional pressure to do better than all of these other amateur creators in every aspect, and to not mess up on what has become my dream project. I feared that if it didn't look and read like an amazing comic, no one would spend time on it. I felt that I needed to have those things to matter as a creator, and the only way to do that would be to create something that could get those things.

One piece of advice I heard over and over was to hold off on working on such huge projects as a beginner and focus instead on making smaller works. I will admit that it is good advice and that I recommend following it if you're new to this yourself. I almost did. Admittedly, even though I feel I'm not that good at coming up with shorter works, I did come up with a few ideas for one-shots to make. Most of them never went past the concept, but there were a couple that I was genuinely interested in working on. I actually got as far as writing an almost complete script for one of them. "Almost" being the keyword. I never finished it. Despite how far I got with it, my fears and insecurities got the better of me towards the end, and I ultimately abandoned it. The same goes for the other one-shot; only for that one, instead of making a script, I went straight to storyboards (manga-style), but I got to only a few pages. Afterward, I went back to my initial idea, only to end up in the same rut.

Throughout all of this, I slowly started fizzling out of interacting/reading stuff on Tapas, which was where I originally planned on posting my project(s) and was the first webcomic site I grew an attachment to. I was going to post them on Webtoon as well, but I deleted my account there after the various controversies of last year. While I was there, I did mention how I planned on working on something and even asked for some advice when I felt like I was down. While I did get advice, and even got to talk with a few people, as time went on, I was there less and less. I started feeling ashamed to be on there and talking with the other users since I didn't have a comic, whereas most, if not, all the people I talked with on there did. Here I was with no project under my belt, alongside all of these other people actually telling their stories, even when it proved difficult for some of them due to time, other obligations, and personal struggles.

That's another thing as well. While all of this has been going on, my personal life throughout these past few years has not been at its best. I won't be divulging any details, for reasons I'm sure you all can understand. However, I will say that these past few years have been... challenging, to say the least. I will admit that it isn't as bad as it could be, and some people undoubtedly have it worse than me, but I'm not going to act like my feelings are invalid. I've gone through quite a lot emotionally and mentally throughout all this time, and frankly, I still kinda am. While I did try to work on my comics during all of this, my stress combined with my insecurities just left me stuck.

In the end, I deleted my Tapas account, went through another long stretch of burnout, and continued to think up ideas for my story while trudging through my day-to-day life. Shortly before leaving Tapas, I found out about GlobalComix and then NamiComi. After some consideration, I decided to get accounts on both sites (I even did them both on the same day) intending to eventually post my work on there. While I was excited at first, it didn't take too long before I started to spend less time on them much like I did with Tapas. That's why I haven't been on here all that much: I have the same insecurities about interacting here as I did previously.

So, where does that leave me now? Well, stuff in my personal life has gotten both better and worse. While the stuff going on has been more difficult for me as of late, I am making strides in improving things. In terms of comic progress, my story still isn't materializing yet. I have been spending some time recently copying some pages and panels from other comics as practice, but not enough time, nor have I completed a significant amount. I would say it's the things in my personal life that are taking up a lot of that time, but that would only be partially true. While my personal life, and all of the things going on there has taken priority at the moment, I still have plenty of opportunities to work on my projects or practice. The truth is, I'm scared to work on that stuff because I feel like I'm not getting good enough. I know it's dumb to think that since I know I'll improve with the experience, but I just cannot get myself to do it.

I want to make one thing clear: I still want to make this comic. I still want to tell this story. This story means so much to me now, that the thought of abandoning it would be nonsensical. No matter how long it takes me to get my act together, or how many projects (if any) I have to do beforehand, I still want to make it. Although, if there's anything I have learned as a result of all this, it's that I should have already made this comic. Even if it was bad, amateurish, or if I ended up hating it, I should have still made it. If I had, I could have learned from the experience and made an even better story with the skills I was improving upon. While I say that, I still feel a large sense of inadequacy that's preventing me from finally working on this story. It's something that may take more time to get over.

I'm sure some of you are wondering why I decided to write all of this. Honestly, I got tired of dealing with these feelings without fully discussing them. I have tried talking to other people about this, but I either feel like I couldn't explain it enough, or they couldn't fully understand. I wrote this because I wanted to get my feelings out there with people who either understand what I'm going through, have dealt with something similar, or are going through something similar. I know I'm not the only one who's been down this road, but I haven't really discussed any of this in detail with fellow artists who have/had the same issues. As I write this, I don't know how you guys are gonna respond to what I say. However, I feel that if I were to move forward in making my comics, writing this was necessary. If I ended up relating to someone going through the same thing, that would be pretty good too. I apologize for how rambly this has been.

I don't know when I'm finally gonna make this comic, but it won't be for a while. I hope that if you've been kind enough so far to read all of this, you'll be equally understanding and patient as I slowly figure things out and get back on track. Thank you for your time.

That would be interesting. I could see something like that being attempted, though with quite a bit of modernization. I think to make it work successfully in the modern day, one may need to have contemporary themes while still having fantastical elements, and the sophistication of literative writing with the more tasteful components of modern storytelling. I think a bigger focus on complexity with nuanced characterization and overarching narratives would do a lot for current audiences.

Regardless of what comics you've read or how long you've been reading them, what would you say is something that comics are missing? Is there something you want to see that hasn't been showcased in any of the ones you've read? Is there something you think comics would do better by having? Is there something that a comic doesn't have that's preventing you from liking it?

What do you want to see?

Oh, it's OK. I'm the same deal. I have comics I bought two years ago that I still haven't touched.

... I should get on that soon, huh?

@DicePoolParty By that last statement, do you mean you've bought all these comics without reading all of them yet, or that even with the amount you have, you still consider it a small amount? Because if it's the latter, I think my collection is even smaller by comparison.

@JanneKarneus Do you have ideas on what you're planning to get next?

Whether it be American comics, manga, webtoons, etc. Tell me, how many comics have you read. You don't have to list every single one if you don't want to; especially if you've read too many to count. However, if you haven't read as many as others have, don't feel embarrassed.

I'd love to see your responses.

Thank you all so far for sharing. I'll take a moment to respond to each of you.

@ArtCrumbs Out of curiosity, are you still interested in animation, or will you stick with manga?

@Daniel-G Very interesting. The lack of limitations certainly makes the medium more versatile, so I'm with you in that regard. I hope you'll get a chance to write for TV and/or film as well.

@Copoki I certainly understand what you mean. I think a lot of creators have had the same mindset.

@DicePoolParty I'm sorry about your health issues, as well as your low self-esteem. I hope you'll get better soon. I'll try to follow your advice as well.

@JanneKarneus I hope your storytelling capabilities will improve. The mainstream industry is a tough one to get into from what I hear, so I hope you'll be able to make it someday.

I have ideas for some longer stories, and mostly those alone.

I'm heard the advice from successful creators to start small with shorter stories or one-shots. I don't have a problem with that, but I'm having trouble coming up with ideas for shorter stories.

If you could give advice on how to do that, I would be greatly appreciative.

As someone who wants to start making comics soon, I like hearing stories about how creators got interested.

So, if you feel so inclined, what you got interested in making comics? Was it a specific series? Wanting to tell a story? Wanting to make a career from art?

Whatever the reason, feel free to share?